XplanaZine

My mother, God rest her soul, always did love a good cause. And, after reading the latest Time Magazine, I got fired up enough to follow in her footsteps. I stopped reading my blogs long enough to write a big Lone Star Learning salute to that fine American magazine. Here’s a copy of the letter I sent them.

Dear Time Magazine,

I want to thank you so much for your wonderful article on what’s wrong with our kids (you know, the one about all that IM and multitasking stuff). My son is already fifteen years old but, with any luck, your article has come in time for me to save him.

I can’t tell you how relieved I was to have all of my suspicions finally confirmed. Night after night I’ve looked into that boy’s room while he and his friends are in there playing games. And I’ll tell you that what those kids are doing, well, it just ain’t natural! They’re sitting there, all eight of them, talking on these funny headsets and looking at these two big TVs. And each TV has four different pictures on it! When I ask them about it, they say they’re in multi-player mode — whatever that is — and that they’re playing against some kids from Czechoslovakia. Czechoslovakia!? Right. That’s like one of those rich lines I’d give my parents when I didn’t want them to know what I was up to.

And the things they do with their hands while they play. Now, you tell me if any respectable person could move their hands and fingers they way those kids do? They only way I could make my hands move that fast with those kind of rhythms is if I had been electrocuted. Come to think of it, they remind me a little bit of that girl who got into all that trouble with the devil in that movie The Exorcist. I guarantee you that I’m giving a copy of this article to our preacher and demanding that he cook up a nice stiff sermon about this multitasking business. We may need to change that old phrase to say “multitasking hands are the devil’s workshop.”

Of course, as you point out, the gaming stuff is only the tip of the iceberg. My son’s always wearing his earphones, typing on computer, talking on the phone, and staring at the TV — all at the same time! Now I know that ain’t natural. I mean, what grown man or woman in his or her right mind could do those kind of things at the same time? If you ask me it’s pretty strange and it’s just plain rude. I’ll tell you, if I hear any of my buddies typing while they’re talking to me, there will definitely be some heck to pay.

But just as I was about to give up hope on my son, thank goodness you came along, Time Magazine, and told me it was okay. All of these things seemed unnatural because they really are. There is something wrong with my boy. He’s caught the multitasker virus. That’s why I can’t get him to be nice to his sister. That’s why I can never get his attention. Of course, he says it’s because I’m not saying anything worth listening to. Can you imagine that? Why, in my day that kind of talk would’ve earned me a pretty unpleasant experience.

You can’t imagine how relieved I am that there may be a cure for my boy. After reading your fine research, I have already implemented some surefire remedies.

1. Nobody in our house can do more than one thing at a time.
2. There will be unannounced earbud searches at meal times and especially while we’re enjoying our weekly family time watching American Idol.
3. No one can have more than one image frame on a television or computer screen at any time.

It’s just a start and I’m sure I’ll be able to make it more complete over time. But, thanks to you and your staff, Time Magazine, I’ve discovered that there really is a problem and I’m willing to take the first steps to rectify the situation.

Sincerely yours,

P. S. By the way, aren’t you the guys who did that great study on fashionable leisure suits back in the 70’s?

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